Longest Fart Contest

Post by **mjrpes** » Tue Jun 21, 2005 3:16 am

tnf wrote:
[xeno]Julios wrote:ROFL tnf - i started reading your post, then stopped, went and opened up "Hymn to Red October" (theme from red october by Basil Poledouris - top track) and resumed reading.

It's a beautiful russian military with male choir - very dramatic
So how do you cope with your "shitting in odd places" thing?

I've made great strides too, but I still hate it when I am trying to shit and can hear everything going on outside the door. At work, we have a shitter with a sink right outside the door. Without fail, when I go to use that one, two or more women decide to fill up their water bottles at that sink (out of the many in the huge building) and chat it up.

Who fucking chats right outside a shitter with a closed door? Do they not have any fucking clue what is going on inside there?

Sometimes taking a shit can be the highlight of my day, and I reach a level of zen peace and calmness with the outside world. But this requires absolute silence of the surroundings, and something like a fat middle age bitch globbering it up with a coworking really ruins it all. Thank god for high speed ventilation fans.

Post by **tnf** » Tue Jun 21, 2005 3:22 am

[xeno]Julios wrote:well it came mainly through putting myself in the mind of the "enemy".

If I'm ever in a situation where I am listening in on someone's shit, due to circumstance, and they are noisy, I know that my own feelings about that are not symmetrical the embarrasment I think I would feel if I was taking a noisy shit.

Last sunday, I was about to run a 5k run, and it was early in the morning and I hadn't had my morning shit. We were still 30 min away from race time, and there was one washroom in the floor of the building (city hall) - there were over a thousand people roaming the courtyard and the main lobby of the building - and there was only one stall in the washroom - meaning a long lineup.

I went in there, feeling like the man, and took a moderately loud shit. It felt awesome.

Earplugs also help if you have them - sort of ostrich-sticking-head-in-sand syndrome - if you don't see other people, part of you thinks that others don't see you - same goes for hearing. It's good because it blocks the subconscious "rectal auditory neurons" even though you know that it's an illusion.

I had always sworn that I would never, ever shit in one of those nasty plastic outhouses (the portable ones) until two years ago, summer. We were in Seattle, and I ate some fish and chips. No big deal. 15 hours later we were on our way home, crossing the North Cascades highway - absolutely beautiful scenery, but it was unusually hot, even for the summer - about 95 degrees at the lower altitudes. This is a long scenic drive, and there are many stretches where there isn't much in the way of bathroom accomodations except for the few portable outhouses at the scenic viewpoints. A shit hits me, hard, at the same moment that I see a sign on the road stating that the nearest rest stop was 30 miles. My wife was driving, and I had to really convince her that if she didn't drive very, very fast, we were going to have explain to the rental company why their convertible had a pile of human excrement in the trunk. Holding that shit in gave my sphincter a workout that makes the Ironman triathalon look like a fucking afternoon jog. My wife pulls into the parking lot, about 100 yards from the row of crappers, and begins to stop - until I yell - DRIVE! She got the message, and we hit about 50 in the parking lot, almost screeching to a stop with my door right next to the porta-potty. The embarassing thing was that this was a beautiful Saturday afternoon, so the parking lot for this viewpoint was almost full, and there were plenty of witnesses to my drive by shitting. Problem was, right as I was about to sit down, my innate paranoia about the disgusting nature of public outhouse toilet seats hit me...my quads tensed and I was able to stop my ass about 1 millimeter above the seat. I think most of my shit (which was primarily liquid due to the bad fish and chips) made it in the bowl, but I never turned around to check.

It was a long, long drive home, because that same scene replayed itself about 5 times, with us flying into gas stations, restaurants, etc.

Post by **Scourge** » Tue Jun 21, 2005 3:25 am

Jesus H. fucking Christ on a popsicle stick. :icon19: Been tired and in a dismal mood all day. This thread cured that. Lol.

Post by **[xeno]Julios** » Tue Jun 21, 2005 3:40 am

tnf - your wife seems like a very loving woman...

curious - are you comfortable enough with each other to take loud shits in acoustic presence of one another?

Post by **Scourge** » Tue Jun 21, 2005 3:44 am

[xeno]Julios wrote:tnf - your wife seems like a very loving woman...

curious - are you comfortable enough with each other to take loud shits in acoustic presence of one another?

Don't know about him, but I'm not.

Post by **tnf** » Tue Jun 21, 2005 3:53 am

[xeno]Julios wrote:tnf - your wife seems like a very loving woman...

curious - are you comfortable enough with each other to take loud shits in acoustic presence of one another?

Actually, I am not. I HATE the sound of bathrooms. We have separate bathrooms, and I always turn on the fan in mine when I am shitting.

I'm not easily grossed out, but for some reason human bodily functions (specifically shitting) just bother me. I think every bathroom should offer 100% visual and acoustic privacy, TBH.

Post by **tnf** » Tue Jun 21, 2005 3:54 am

tnf wrote:
[xeno]Julios wrote:tnf - your wife seems like a very loving woman...

curious - are you comfortable enough with each other to take loud shits in acoustic presence of one another?
Actually, I am not. I HATE the sound of bathrooms. We have separate bathrooms, and I always turn on the fan in mine when I am shitting.

I'm not easily grossed out, but for some reason human bodily functions (specifically shitting) just bother me. I think every bathroom should offer 100% visual and acoustic privacy, TBH.

On the other hand, my wife isn't bothered at all by walking by the bathroom door when I am raising hell. If I see the bathroom door shut, I intentionally stay away.

Post by **Scourge** » Tue Jun 21, 2005 3:56 am

tnf wrote:
I'm not easily grossed out, but for some reason human bodily functions (specifically shitting) just bother me. I think every bathroom should offer 100% visual and acoustic privacy, TBH.

Here, here. 100% agreement.

Post by **tnf** » Tue Jun 21, 2005 4:00 am

I still hold on to that childhood belief that pretty women don't shit or fart.

If anyone tries to tell me otherwise, I cover my ears and close my eyes.

Post by **Scourge** » Tue Jun 21, 2005 4:02 am

Lol. My wife ruined that illusion. :icon26:

Post by **The HavoX** » Tue Jun 21, 2005 4:03 am

tnf wrote:I still hold on to that childhood belief that pretty women don't shit or fart.

If anyone tries to tell me otherwise, I cover my ears and close my eyes.

...

Post by **tnf** » Tue Jun 21, 2005 4:03 am

Oh, the illusion was ruined long ago for me as well...but I try to cling to it.

I still remember, vividly, the first time a girl I was around farted.
Women are just as disgusting as men when they are in groups.

Post by **The HavoX** » Tue Jun 21, 2005 4:05 am

I've heard though that farts are faggot mating calls :icon1:

Post by **[xeno]Julios** » Tue Jun 21, 2005 4:05 am

heh i remember once i was at this cafe called 7 west - trendy sorta place. I go upstairs and am waiting for the bloke inside the washroom to finish his business.

Man there were some god awful sounds coming from there - images of fermented mexican burritos being shuttled at high speed through rubber pipes came to mind.

Door opens and this tall drop dead gorgeous brunette walks out - big grin on face.

changed my life in a small way.

Post by **Scourge** » Tue Jun 21, 2005 4:10 am

The HavoX wrote:I've heard though that farts are faggot mating calls :icon1:

:icon6:

Post by **tnf** » Tue Jun 21, 2005 4:11 am

Anyone ever had the awkward situation of being on a date with a girl (well that in itself is probably awkward enough for a few of you...at least before you were 24....) and been at either her or your place, a small apartment with a bathroom centrally located, and felt a huge shit coming? It can, quite literally, almost ruin the entire evening, because seriously, how can you restore the mood you've been working all night to create when you have to disappear to a location that is only 10 feet away and cover up the sound of your activities with running water, a fan, coughing, whatever....

Post by **[xeno]Julios** » Tue Jun 21, 2005 4:13 am

fuck being on a date. Being in bed with a woman and feeling a fart coming is stressful enough. Kinda ruins the moment when you have to excuse yourself to go to the washroom every 20 minutes.

Gotta time the protein shakes better...

Post by **Scourge** » Tue Jun 21, 2005 4:14 am

tnf wrote:Oh, the illusion was ruined long ago for me as well...but I try to cling to it.

I still remember, vividly, the first time a girl I was around farted.
Women are just as disgusting as men when they are in groups.

Man, I know it. And the more of them, the worse it gets. But you rip a good one and you get 'the look' as if you commited the most hainous act. But I'm supposed to act like I don't hear hers. :icon26:

Post by **tnf** » Tue Jun 21, 2005 4:14 am

Yea, it was worst for me, ironically, when I was in the best shape of my life. The egg whites and protein shakes made me one horribly gassy fucker.

And the sheets do a marvelous job of trapping the rotten stench.

Post by **mjrpes** » Tue Jun 21, 2005 4:14 am

tnf wrote:Anyone ever had the awkward situation of being on a date with a girl (well that in itself is probably awkward enough for a few of you...at least before you were 24....) and been at either her or your place, a small apartment with a bathroom centrally located, and felt a huge shit coming? It can, quite literally, almost ruin the entire evening, because seriously, how can you restore the mood you've been working all night to create when you have to disappear to a location that is only 10 feet away and cover up the sound of your activities with running water, a fan, coughing, whatever....

What's bad about that is the girl is alone... so her thoughts have to pass at some point on the activites that are going on behind that door. And immediately, what comes to her mind is you sitting down, red faced, bringing a juicy brown baby boy in the world. Oh yeah... you're the shit now dog.

Post by **tnf** » Tue Jun 21, 2005 4:15 am

On an unrelated note, nothing is better than letting a silent, but horribly rotten, fart out in a crowded elevator the instant before you get out.

Post by **tnf** » Tue Jun 21, 2005 4:17 am

mjrpes wrote:

What's bad about that is the girl is alone... so her thoughts have to pass at some point on the activites that are going on behind that door. And immediately, what comes to her mind is you sitting down, red faced, bringing a juicy brown baby boy in the world. Oh yeah... you're the shit now dog.

Yup. I would usually try and get a movie going, or turn on something interesting on the TV, or whatever..hoping that she might lose track of a little bit of the time...eventually she might think about what is going on behind the closed door, but perhaps I'd buy myself 5 minutes of time while she was watching Will and Grace or some other show that women seem to enjoy.

Tue Jun 21, 2005 4:18 am

I have a problem with hearing people explode in public restrooms. Everytime I hear someone analy express, I tend to giggle. That can be uncomfortable for me and the person seeking relief.

Post by **Scourge** » Tue Jun 21, 2005 4:20 am

Someone better archive this fucker. I'm saving it regardlessly. Way too much humor to let die.

Post by **tnf** » Tue Jun 21, 2005 4:22 am

Yea, I think this shit thread might outdo the last one.

BTW - I think jules posted a link to a story about a guy who ate at some steakhouse and shit himself and had to have his wife bring him new clothes or something....anyone remember the details or the link?