Quake3World

lobbing mortality in the eye of imprisonment.
It's occurred to me that, pushing the accord hard past a blurring tundra on an empty iced road, there may very well be something wrong with me.

Ages ago, I was fortunate enough to accompany, amongst a full crew, a very rich and remarkably intelligent gentleman onto the quaint coast of the baja peninsula whilest he raced up and down, for 500 miles.

I didn't get it. Life for me at that time was brimming with opportunity and hope, the future so shaded in delirious fantasy accomplishments which only royalty and diaphanous '50's hollywoodians employed. For what reason would anyone risk their life, when there are so many things left undone?

He described it with his usual masked candor: "doing something like this, how can you not relax!"

I was dumbfounded at the time. Then I began a paralyzing ritual, one I'm sure everyone here's at least vaguely familiar with, one Rooky and I briefly touched upon at the cheesecake factory not 2 weeks ago. I began wedging the round into the square, forcing myself to think like a manager, a politician, react like a microsoft sam, paste a fake smile on and pretend with sainted patience that I care about the self-serving pretentious pricks with the title chief executive something on their desk. Day in and day out, once exciting projects bled out into withered corpses and what have you done latelies rail on about the closest of twelve printers near their desk not printing first page to last, meaning a horrid morning of re-collating joke emails. I would never have thought 5 years ago that personalities are sometimes so fucking wretchedly thin when you've seen them from the belly out.

I'm at an unmarked crossroads now, terribly conflicted at times and directionless. I feel as though the tour-guide will catch up at any minute and say: "lol, you've been stuck wandering the strange line of occlusive paralysis. Get your ass back on the right track and knock that shit off, broham."

I guess I kind of now see why one might test that chain-like umbilicus imprisoning you on the tangible road from that soft, sandy ledge into oblivion.

Am I finally losing it?

Not at all, it sounds like you've had a massive reality attack. The harsh result of which is finding out that so very much of life can be mundane bullshit. To (mis)quote Anais Nin: "Anyone can weather a major crisis, it's life's constant little struggles that kill us."
Engaging in risky behaviors (like me doing triple digit speeds on my bike) is a way of reconnecting with the sensations that make us remember that we're alive, make us sharply aware that life is precious, and our hold on it tenuous. It also has a wonderful side effect, that of turning down the volume on all the irrelevant horse puckey that pervades our daily doings. Alas, there are consequences, including losing that which you've just realized you still hold very dear. I view that possibility thusly: Everyone dies, and life without risk and excitement is not life at all.

Go pick up 'The Way of the Peaceful Warrior' by Dan Millman. It's a short read, but that book changed my life.



P.S. Fuck off, you candyassed uni-nutted fruitbat.

k thanks. carry on, you hairless sasquatch.

Nightshade wrote: ... life without risk and excitement is not life at all.

Easy to be introspective with our own behaviours and desires, but watching a child, spouse, or someone else you love embrace the risks is nerve wracking. If you're not comfortable watching your family/loved ones take risks, are you really comfortable with the idea at all? ("You" meaning everyone, btw).

Underpants? wrote:there may very well be something wrong with me.

Yes, there is something wrong. You've entered the emo zone. Do not pass go, do not buy mascara. It'll pass. Or you'll die. One or the other.

Nightshade wrote:P.S. Fuck off, you candyassed uni-nutted fruitbat.

Do you think you could cease and desist making reference to his uni-nut? In junior high school my friend had a poodle with a missing nut. I got in major trouble for telling everyone it would have had two, but she ate it.

lol i knew someone would point out the obvious, that I'm splitting hairs over a job some people might fully enjoy.

What stokes Wabbit, or haven't you the itch to walk with the devil?

It's more than mere personality dislikes, tbh. I've an eagle's perspective, somewhat from being a 'trusted officer' but more from having the unlucky job of desktop support, a title which seems implicit to some as "company psychologist." As such I've witnessed much black-hearted coldness toward the meek, liars' success, backstabbers winning and infidelity leading to promotion. I used to believe the good guy came out on top, now I wonder if the good guy ever even comes out.

I think I'm coming to the conclusion that after all these years, I might just quit.

Quit if it suits you, but make sure it's not with the idea that people will be better/nicer/fairer/etc., some place else. People are much the same no matter where you go.

Don't lament the fate of the good guy. Most of the time, you'll never be there to see them "win" and most of the time, you won't be there when the people that most deserve it, get their ass kicked.

A mean-spirited, spiteful nature is its own punishment. People strike out of their own discomfort or pain and the harm they do to others, starts in their own heart. I wouldn't want to feel that way.

If you're looking for a modicum of satisfaction regarding your own life, stop looking at other people. For a deep thinker, it's a juvenile way to get a sense of what you're about, where you are and where you want to go. At this point in your life, I would hope you have enough life experience to measure where you are by examining where you've been. Don't let your perception of other people's behaviour and/or personalities bother you to the point it makes you feel bad. You gotta get some separation there.

become a writer

you have panache

this thread has a hitherto unseen eloquence that has moved me deeply

now fuck off nerds

Wabbit wrote:

Nightshade wrote: ... life without risk and excitement is not life at all.

Easy to be introspective with our own behaviours and desires, but watching a child, spouse, or someone else you love embrace the risks is nerve wracking. If you're not comfortable watching your family/loved ones take risks, are you really comfortable with the idea at all? ("You" meaning everyone, btw).

There comes a point at which we all have to realize that we control absolutely nothing beyond the reach of our own arms. We're here until we're not, and there's nothing we can do to change that. Would I be nervous about my daughter or wife skydiving, hang gliding, bungee jumping, or racing motorcycles? Hell yes. But, would I seek to deprive them of those amazing experiences so I could feel like I was doing something to protect them? No fucking way.
I've seen a LOT of people I cared very deeply about die, and too many of them die young, through no fault of their own.
I wouldn't counsel anyone to pass up the chance to do anything that they found exciting and fulfilling, unless it was just plain stupid. And I certainly wouldn't adopt a "do as I say, not as I do attitude". I may not enjoy having to watch the results and the possible consequences, but, too bad, so sad.

get a bunch of money and do whatever you feel like

seremtan wrote:this thread has a hitherto unseen eloquence that has moved me deeply

now fuck off nerds

can't help but feel like you've peeled a layer today, you decripit wild onion

HM-PuFFNSTuFF wrote:become a writer

you have panache

:ol: is that french for 'a penchant for posting under the influence of stress and too much yellowtail merlot?'