Joke thread

[7zark7]

A guy is in a bar. He's so drunk he throws up all over himself. He tells the bartender, "What am I doing? When I go home my wife's going to kill me..." The bartender puts twenty dollars in his shirt pocket and says, "Go home...and tell your wife you were in a bar and a guy came up... he was drunk, threw up all over you, but put $20 in your shirt pocket."
He goes home, walks in and his wife says, "Look at you! You threw up all over yourself!"
He goes, "Honey, a guy got drunk and threw up on me and he put $20 in my shirt pocket." She reaches in and pulls out $40 and says, "What's the other $20 for?" He says, "He shit in my pants,too!"

[R00k]

[Underpants?]

bwahaha, classic

[bitWISE]

[Transient]

[bitWISE]

I woke early one morning,
The earth lay cool and still
When suddenly a tiny bird
Perched on my window sill,
He sang a song so lovely
So carefree and so gay,

That slowly all my troubles
Began to slip away.
He sang of far off places
Of laughter and of fun,
It seemed his very trilling,
Brought up the morning sun.

I stirred beneath the covers
Crept slowly out of bed,
Then gently shut the window
And crushed his little head.

I'm not a morning person.

:icon26:

[bitWISE]

oh em gee

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."
"Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin.
You can take it orally, or as a suppository....it's up to you."

[bitWISE]

A very ugly woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids.
The Wal-Mart Greeter asks, "Are they twins?"
The ugly woman says, "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they really look alike?"

"No," replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."

Little Johnny is sitting in biology class, when his teacher states the fact that only humans stutter, and no other animal in the world does.
Johnny raises his hand and says. "You're wrong, Miss Finch!"
"Really, would you mind telling us why that is Johnny?"replies the teacher.
"Well, Miss Finch, the other day I was playing with my cat on the porch. The neighbors' Rottweiler came around the corner, and my cat went 'fffff! fffff! fffff!', and before he could say 'Fuck!', the dog ate him!"

[Tsakali_]

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.

'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!

'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.

The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!'

[Tsakali_]

A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a year tour unaccompanied to Shemya, Alaska. The first night he got home, he exclaimed to his wife, "Honey, I want you to know that I haven't wasted all this time alone. Instead, I've mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!"


And with that he dropped his trousers and shorts and stood before her in his altogether.


"Now watch," he said. Next he said, "Dick, ten-HUT!"

And with that, his dick sprang to full erection. Then he said, "Dick, at EASE!"

And his dick deflated again.

"Wow, that was amazing," said his wife. "Do you mind if I bring our next-door neighbor over to see this? It's really something else!"

The guy responded that he didn't mind at all, since he was proud of what he had accomplished. So the wife goes next door and comes back with a delicious looking woman who got this guy's full attention! After a brief pause to take her in, he said, "Now watch this." Then he said "Dick, ten-HUT!"

And the dick sprang to life. Then it was "Dick, at EASE!"


But nothing happened. So the guy again said, "Dick, at EASE!"

But still nothing happened. So the guy now says,"For the last time, you son-of-a-bitch, I said AT EASE!!"

Still nothing. Well, the guy was embarassed and ran off to the bathroom. His wife made excuses for him and then joined her husband in the bathroom, where she found him masturbating.

"What in the world are you doing?" she asked.

The guy says, "I'm givin' this son-of-a-bitch a dishonorable discharge!"

[bitWISE]

[andyman]

zerofactor

[I cant spell u]

woman's rights.

[bitWISE]

homosexuals

[Transient]

oh em gee

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."
"Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin.
You can take it orally, or as a suppository....it's up to you."

OWNED

[Transient]

zerofactor

Oh, snap.

[7zark7]

What's the difference between an onion and a dead hooker?

I cried when I cut up the onion.

[andyman]

What's the difference between an onion and a dead hooker?

I cried when I cut up the onion.

haha good one

you could have said, 'onions have bad aftertaste'

[Guest]

A man is in a bar, alone, and drinking heavily. And by heavily I mean just throwing back shots like water. He started at around 8:30 and has been downing shots for around four or five hours now.

The bartender calls last call and he looks at his watch to which it says 1:30.

"Oh fuck, I'm supposed to be at my son's christening at 7:30 AM tomorrow. If my wife knows that I was out drinking all night and hungover for the ceremony tomorrow, she'll cut my balls off."

So he gets up to leave and not one second after he gets up he falls flat on his face. Shocked, disoriented and wondering what the hell just happened, he tries again, unsucessfully to walk to the door. SMACK! He hits his head kind of hard on the bar this time going down.

"Jesus Christ Almighty, I'm so fucking drunk that I can't even fucking walk home straight. But I have to get home."

He only lived a few blocks from the bar so he decides to just army crawl all the way home. It takes about an hour but he finally crawls the entire distance back to his house, up the stairs in to bed without waking up his wife. He makes sure to purge himself of all booze and drink gallons of water before he turns in so as to avoid the hangover in the morning.

Come morning, he awakes to find his wife staring at him with the most menacing scowl you'd ever seen. She looks at him for a few moments and simply says "You were at the bars last night, weren't you."

The man was shocked, he wasn't hungover, was as quite as mouse when coming in and had no smell of alcohol on him.

"What how did you know?" he asked.

"The bartender called. He said you left your wheelchair there again."

Edit: Shamelessly copied and pasted from a joke thread in SA.
http://forums.somethingawful.com/showth ... id=1936537

[Pext]

:icon14:

[MKJ]

:icon32: :icon32:

[reefsurfer]

Two tomatoes crossed the road, one got smashed by a car... the other one turned around and said "Hey!, try and ketchup!"


BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

[a13n]

@ctrlnuke
Impossible! :icon28:

[Fender]

President George W. Bush was scheduled to visit the Methodist Church outside of Washington as part of his campaign.

Bush's campaign manager made a visit to the Bishop and said to him, "We've been getting a lot of bad publicity among Methodists because of Bush's position on stem cell research and the like. We'd gladly make a contribution to the church of $100,000 if during your sermon you'd say the President is a saint."

The Bishop thinks it over for a few moments and finally says, "The Church is in desperate need of funds and I will agree to do it."

Bush pompously shows up looking especially smug and as the sermon progresses the Bishop begins his homily: "George Bush is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite and a nitwit. He is a liar, a cheat, and a low-intelligence weasel with the world's largest chip on his shoulder. He steals elections. He politicizes science. He has lied about his military record and had the gall to put himself in a jet plane landing on a carrier posing before a banner stating 'Mission Accomplished.'"

"He invaded a country for oil and money, and is using it to lie to the American people. He continues to blur the line between church and state. Corruption is rampant in his administration. He routinely appoints incompetent and unqualified cronies to high-level federal government positions and as a result, hundreds and hundreds of Americans died tragically in New Orleans. He is so psychotic and megalomaniacal that he believes that he was chosen by God."

"He is the worst example of a Methodist I've ever personally known."

"But compared to Dick Cheney and the rest of his cabinet, George Bush is a saint."

[Ryoki]

Suffrage for women.