A guy picks up a girl in a bar, brings her home, and they start getting it on. He starts sucking on one of her tits and milk comes out.
He says, "Hey, are you pregnant?"
She says, "That wasn't a nipple, that was a boil."
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A leper walked into a bar and sat down. The bartender glanced over and promptly threw up all over himself and the floor.
The leper looked hurt and said, "Hey, I know I'm not exactly handsome, but I do have feelings and you could be a little sensitive about them."
The bartender, wiping his mouth on his sleeve, looked up and proclaimed, "I'm sorry as hell man, but it wasn't you. That guy sitting next to you keeps dipping his crackers in your neck."
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Man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my ass"
The doctors says "drop your pants, bend over and let have a look".
"Fuck me!!" says the doctor " what could have made a hole as big as that?"
Patient replies I've been fucked by an elephant".
The doctor says "An elephants penis is long and thin, this hole is enormous".
Patient replies "He fingered me first".
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A guy says to his wife, "I'm in the mood for some 69."
She says, "It's that time of the month, but if you don't care, I don't care."
They go into the bedroom, and are 69'ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings.
She says, "Answer the door."
He says, "But my face is a mess."
She says, "It's just the postman. Answer the door, and if he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich."
He opens the door and says, "I'm sorry about my mouth, I was eating a jam sandwich."
The mailman says, "I wasn't looking at the jam on your mouth...I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead."
Joke thread
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+JuggerNaut+
- Posts: 22175
- Joined: Sun Oct 14, 2001 7:00 am
blowfury wrote:---------------------------------------------------------------
A leper walked into a bar and sat down. The bartender glanced over and promptly threw up all over himself and the floor.
The leper looked hurt and said, "Hey, I know I'm not exactly handsome, but I do have feelings and you could be a little sensitive about them."
The bartender, wiping his mouth on his sleeve, looked up and proclaimed, "I'm sorry as hell man, but it wasn't you. That guy sitting next to you keeps dipping his crackers in your neck."
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Man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my ass"
The doctors says "drop your pants, bend over and let have a look".
"Fuck me!!" says the doctor " what could have made a hole as big as that?"
Patient replies I've been fucked by an elephant".
The doctor says "An elephants penis is long and thin, this hole is enormous".
Patient replies "He fingered me first".
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iambowelfish
- Posts: 396
- Joined: Sat May 21, 2005 2:53 pm
Hmm. Only the Elephant one made me crack a smile. Perhaps I'm dead inside. They all sound like they're from the 50s or something though, apart from the George Bush one, which is probably just a modified older one. Are there no new jokes under the sun?
Btw, Knock Knock.
Who's There?
Interrupting cow
Interru-?
MOOOOOOOO!
Knock Knock.
Who's There?
Interrupting starfish.
Interru-?
SPREAD FINGERS PALM IN FACE!
Btw, Knock Knock.
Who's There?
Interrupting cow
Interru-?
MOOOOOOOO!
Knock Knock.
Who's There?
Interrupting starfish.
Interru-?
SPREAD FINGERS PALM IN FACE!
[url=http://www.cafepress.com/stool][img]http://img178.imageshack.us/img178/1561/smallstool4td.jpg[/img][/url]
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+JuggerNaut+
- Posts: 22175
- Joined: Sun Oct 14, 2001 7:00 am
Two bums are walking along the side of a road early one morning, complaining about their empty stomachs. The night before theyiambowelfish wrote:. Perhaps I'm dead inside.
had spent every dime they had on whiskey, so naturally they had no money for breakfast. By and by they come upon a flattened possum lying dead on the roadside. The first bum says to the second, "I'll split it with ya."
The second politely refuses, so the first bum eats the entire thing by himself. An hour or so later, as they are walking, the first bum starts turning green. He gags for a few minutes and then spews the possum remains all over the road.
The second bum smiles and says, "I knew if I waited long enough I'd get a hot meal."
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A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a tooth-pick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp goes off.
A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes.
There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too."
"No, a straw," says the Tramp.
The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.
To which the Tramp replies, "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already".
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iambowelfish
- Posts: 396
- Joined: Sat May 21, 2005 2:53 pm
Yeah I'm aware jokes that require a response don't translate well to the internet, I post them here so that others may go forth and try them IRL. I guarantee they're both winners when delivered obnoxiously enough.Foo wrote:They're actually a bit funnier when done live.bitWISE wrote:Are those supposed to be original?
[url=http://www.cafepress.com/stool][img]http://img178.imageshack.us/img178/1561/smallstool4td.jpg[/img][/url]
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
Man: "Hello"
Woman: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
Man: "Yes"
Woman: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
Man: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."
Man: "How much?"
Woman: "$65,000."
Man: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
Woman: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
Man: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
Woman: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
Man: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
Man: "Hello"
Woman: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
Man: "Yes"
Woman: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
Man: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."
Man: "How much?"
Woman: "$65,000."
Man: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
Woman: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
Man: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
Woman: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
Man: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them.
The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams and various tests and then concluded, ''Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office, stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue."
He continued, ''Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.''
The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. and Mrs. Green, that they should see the good doctor.
The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. ''I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help.''
The Greens pleaded with him, and said, ''You helped our friends, the Browns, now please, please help us.
"Ok, go to the store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios... ''
The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams and various tests and then concluded, ''Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office, stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue."
He continued, ''Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.''
The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. and Mrs. Green, that they should see the good doctor.
The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. ''I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help.''
The Greens pleaded with him, and said, ''You helped our friends, the Browns, now please, please help us.
"Ok, go to the store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios... ''
aye the same person that told me the cow one told me this:iambowelfish wrote: Yeah I'm aware jokes that require a response don't translate well to the internet, I post them here so that others may go forth and try them IRL. I guarantee they're both winners when delivered obnoxiously enough.
how many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
two, one to screw in the bulb and one to suck my cock.
but he has the knack for telling jokes like that.
A young black boy goes into the kitchen where his mother is baking. He puts his hands in the flour and coats his face with it.
He looks at his mother and says, "Look momma...I'm a white boy."
His mama slaps him hard on the face and says, "Boy go show your daddy."
The boy goes into the living room and says, "Look Daddy, I'm a white boy."
His daddy slaps him on the face too and says, "Boy, go show your grandma."
So the boy goes to see his grandma and says, "Look Granny, I'm a white boy."
She slaps him on the face and sends him back to his mother.
His mother says, "well, did you learn something from all of this?"
The boy shakes his head and says, "I sure nuff did. I've only been a white boy for a five minutes and I already hate you black people."
He looks at his mother and says, "Look momma...I'm a white boy."
His mama slaps him hard on the face and says, "Boy go show your daddy."
The boy goes into the living room and says, "Look Daddy, I'm a white boy."
His daddy slaps him on the face too and says, "Boy, go show your grandma."
So the boy goes to see his grandma and says, "Look Granny, I'm a white boy."
She slaps him on the face and sends him back to his mother.
His mother says, "well, did you learn something from all of this?"
The boy shakes his head and says, "I sure nuff did. I've only been a white boy for a five minutes and I already hate you black people."
4days wrote:aye the same person that told me the cow one told me this:iambowelfish wrote: Yeah I'm aware jokes that require a response don't translate well to the internet, I post them here so that others may go forth and try them IRL. I guarantee they're both winners when delivered obnoxiously enough.
how many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
two, one to screw in the bulb and one to suck my cock.
but he has the knack for telling jokes like that.
How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg?
.
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Suck his dick.
I'm typing this one out from memory so please forgive me if it's not exact.
It's tax time and someone working at the IRS sees that a woman claimed 20 kids on her tax return so they call her and notify her that she's made a mistake on her tax form. She exclaims that she really does have 20 kids and if they don't believe her they can send someone out and check.
So they send out a representative to verify her claim.
He arrives and knocks on her door and the woman answers.
"I'm from the IRS and I'm here to verify that you're claiming 20 children."
"Yes come on in and have a seat. Can I get you anything to drink?"
"No thanks."
The man sits down and sees one child playing with some toys in the living room.
"Hey there. What's your name?"
"James", says the child.
He then turns to the mother and asks where the other 19 children are.
"Oh they're playing out in the backyard. Let me call them."
The women shouts "JAMES GET IN HERE".
After she's done shouting, all of the other 19 kids come running in all at once.
"You named them all James?", the man asks.
"Yes, I did."
The man looks over all the kids with a confused look and then says, "What do you do if you only want to call one of them?"
To which the women replies, "I just call them by their last name."
blowfury wrote:A young black boy goes into the kitchen where his mother is baking. He puts his hands in the flour and coats his face with it.
He looks at his mother and says, "Look momma...I'm a white boy."
His mama slaps him hard on the face and says, "Boy go show your daddy."
The boy goes into the living room and says, "Look Daddy, I'm a white boy."
His daddy slaps him on the face too and says, "Boy, go show your grandma."
So the boy goes to see his grandma and says, "Look Granny, I'm a white boy."
She slaps him on the face and sends him back to his mother.
His mother says, "well, did you learn something from all of this?"
The boy shakes his head and says, "I sure nuff did. I've only been a white boy for a five minutes and I already hate you black people."
[url=http://profile.mygamercard.net/Emka+Jee][img]http://card.mygamercard.net/sig/Emka+Jee.jpg[/img][/url]