do it faggot

[seremtan]

first, get yourself a car and some non-descript clothing. you're going to go far away, and you don't ever want to be recognized for what you're about to do. the day before your expedition, eat as much as you humanly can. make sure to eat at least one meal of taco bell. taco bell is what makes a mediocre shit into a grand slam of pooping. eat asparagus, because asparagus is always the answer to making anything that comes out of your body into a nightmare. finally, the night before, eat a lot of prunes. if you don't shit yourself in your sleep, you are now on the cusp of a monumentous under taking. after waking up and eating an extremely hearty breakfast consisting of lots of protein and asparagus, drink a couple glasses of prune juice. if you don't think you can handle this, too fucking bad, because this is art, and art demands sacrifice.

at this point, i should mention that omitting the prunes from the previous steps, and repeating day one for a week will allow you to shit among the gods, leaving pure destruction and woe in your wake, causing children and women to quake in fear at your name, and even the manliest of men to peer hesitantly into the bowl of his toilet before taking a puny and pathetic crap. but, i doubt that most sane human beings could endure creating a shit that massive and godly. however, if you did, you would give anal birth to something far greater than yourself, and go down into the annals of history as a demi-god of turgid brown wrath.

continuing where i left off: at this point, your bowels will begin rumbling with a mere portent of the fury to come. you will consider giving in to your body's ceaseless demands for deliverance from the evil you have created, but you must not give in yet, for its time has not yet come.

get in your method of transportation (bicycles are NOT recommended at this point) and make your way to your nearest grocer. find every prune product they sell and buy them. this will have a rather similar effect to laxatives, but it will also have a time delay. eat all of the prune related things you just bought. now you have been committed to your dark deed, and no amount of begging or clenching will allow you to stem the tide of evil that you will soon jettison from yourself. you are now bound to rather fickle clock. if you are weak of bowel, you may not have much time at all to get to your destination, while the stronger among you may be able to last for hours.

now the last leg of your journey commences, and timing becomes very important. if you arrive too soon, you will be forced to loiter, and increase the chances of being associated with the horror you will soon perpetuate. if you are too late, your poop will destroy all that you love. do not make this mistake.

when releasing the fruits of your labor, it is normal to feel faint, or to even experience a transient pain akin to being fisted by a lumberjack. you will likely feel a euphoric sensation, as though you are shitting god himself. for a moment you will be one with universe, your wrecked anus a gate into the mind of the creator himself. then this moment of nirvana will pass, and you must not hesitate in fleeing the site of your deed, as others will not view what you have done with the same humbled awe and reverence that you will.

i've purposely left out your destination until this point. why? because i cannot tell you where to poop. only you can choose the proper home for your dark spawn. i can, however, make suggestions as to the location of release. choose somewhere where it will encounter children, as it loves children. make your gift a surprise. put it in a box and deliver it to a place of business wearing the standard brown that is both the uniform of couriers and a rather ironic warning of what's to come. make sure your cap is pulled low, and that you are very far away from anywhere you ever want to go again. walk quickly around the corner and listen with a smile at the screams of delighted horror and terrified glee of the recipients of your butt baby. Toys-R-Us is another candidate. find the doll section, and a rack right at a child's eye level. about a foot from the edge of the shelf deliver your coiled ass snake, then place toys in front of it so that it is not immediately apparent. when timmy or jenny innocent becomes petulant and grabs a toy to demand, they will quickly learn patience and a permanent debilitating fear of poop. finally, a darkened theater is an often over looked source of toilet. in the dark, with either the blaring guns of an action movie, or the even more raucous laughter of a GOOD comedy (i cannot stress this enough.

do not attempt this in a thoughtful, or heart touching movie, as the dead silence will make the thunderous squelching and fart noises rather obvious) to cover the screams of pain as your ass is rent in half, you can give your brown present with ease. immediately after doing the deed, shake off the onset of shock and leave with a quick stride (do NOT run. if you run from your poop, everyone will know you did it). if you are discovered in mid-poop, all you can do is attempt to ride it out, as once begun, this poop is unstoppable. ignore the comments of displeasure, or unbridled screams of rage and terror, as most cannot understand the beauty that you are creating. finish your bowel quake, then quickly and quietly leave, avoiding eye contact as best as possible in the crowd that will inevitably gather around 'that guy who's shitting himself inside out'. ignore their hurtful comments of 'arrest', 'this isn't a bathroom' and 'sweet toaster fucking jesus!', as they will never experience the truth and godliness of what you have done.

[phantasmagoria]

COME ON KILL ME DO IT NOW COME ON DO IT

[nay0k]

[Ryoki]

That was an entertaining read.

Brb toilet

[tnf]

I lol'd. And considered.

[GONNAFISTYA]

He left out the part where you hang your ass over a freeway bridge and shit all over on-coming traffic.

[newtoquake3]

omg that was funny