Godzilla pt. II

[CrinklyArse]

Scene: A cafe. One table is occupied by a group of Vikings wearing horned helmets. Whenever the word "spam" is repeated, they begin singing and/or chanting. A man and his wife enter. The man is played by Eric Idle, the wife is played by Graham Chapman (in drag), and the waitress is played by Terry Jones, also in drag.

Man: You sit here, dear.
Wife: All right.
Man: Morning!
Waitress: Morning!
Man: Well, what've you got?
Waitress: Well, there's egg and bacon; egg sausage and bacon; egg and spam; egg bacon and spam; egg bacon sausage and spam; spam bacon sausage and spam; spam egg spam spam bacon and spam; spam sausage spam spam bacon spam tomato and spam;
Vikings: Spam spam spam spam...
Waitress: ...spam spam spam egg and spam; spam spam spam spam spam spam baked beans spam spam spam...
Vikings: Spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam!
Waitress: ...or Lobster Thermidor a Crevette with a mornay sauce served in a Provencale manner with shallots and aubergines garnished with truffle pate, brandy and with a fried egg on top and spam.
Wife: Have you got anything without spam?
Waitress: Well, there's spam egg sausage and spam, that's not got much spam in it.
Wife: I don't want ANY spam!
Man: Why can't she have egg bacon spam and sausage?
Wife: THAT'S got spam in it!
Man: Hasn't got as much spam in it as spam egg sausage and spam, has it?
Vikings: Spam spam spam spam... (Crescendo through next few lines...)
Wife: Could you do the egg bacon spam and sausage without the spam then?
Waitress: Urgghh!
Wife: What do you mean 'Urgghh'? I don't like spam!
Vikings: Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!
Waitress: Shut up!
Vikings: Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!
Waitress: Shut up! (Vikings stop) Bloody Vikings! You can't have egg bacon spam and sausage without the spam.
Wife: I don't like spam!
Man: Sshh, dear, don't cause a fuss. I'll have your spam. I love it. I'm having spam spam spam spam spam spam spam beaked beans spam spam spam and spam!
Vikings: Spam spam spam spam. Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!
Waitress: Shut up!! Baked beans are off.
Man: Well could I have her spam instead of the baked beans then?
Waitress: You mean spam spam spam spam spam spam... (but it is too late and the Vikings drown her words)
Vikings: Spam spam spam spam. Lovely spam! Wonderful spam! Spam spa-a-a-a-a-am spam spa-a-a-a-a-am spam. Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Spam spam spam spam!
Want the song?Here is the spam song.

[CrinklyArse]

Join the spam club!

[CrinklyArse]

Click here or die

[CrinklyArse]

or im bored now ill stop

[CrinklyArse]

ok just one more

[CrinklyArse]

....................

[CrinklyArse]

*echo*

[CrinklyArse]

SPAM, SPAM a wonderful food,
It looks like it's already been chewed.
If it once was alive,
I hope it's not now.
Maybe I'll feed it to my cow.
And if my cow dies,
Then I'll know,
That SPAM is not the way to go.

[CrinklyArse]

Oh SPAM(tm)! Oh SPAM(tm)! Gourmet delight!
My food by day, my dreams by night.
To carve, to slice, to dice you up -
pureed in a blender and sipped from a cup.

What shining deity from Olympus knelt
down to the earth and hog butt smelt?
Creating then man's eternal desire
for swine entrails congealed by fire.

On some corporate farm, a pig has died.
Eyes, tongue, and snout end up inside
that cube of SPAM(tm) hidden in the can
I now hold in my trembling hand.

More than mere food, SPAM(tm) is for me
a hedonistic expression of gluttonous glee.
Mottled with pork fat, the pink cube engrosses.
My mouth takes it in, my intestine disposes.

Long have my arteries clogged to the sound
of sizzling SPAM(tm) when there's no one around -
furtively chewing or swallowing whole.
Triple bypass by forty, my medical goal.

Other processed meat products I've tried or declined
Vienna Sausages, Treet, even pig's feet in brine.
Though each may be tasty in different ways,
none matches SPAM(tm) for gelatinous glaze.

That glistening pinkness beckons me

with gristle, fat, and BHT.
Oh SPAM(tm), my SPAM(tm) - the taste, the smell!
The sacred meat product, from Hormel.

[CrinklyArse]

Oh, Spam
With the clear
Jelly floating
on the top

you need no
can opener
four varieties
including SPAM LITE

Spam
Maps spelled backwards
green eggs
and spam

who can?
Spam can.
Who can resist?
drool drool
spam spam

Mr Spamman
Bring me a dread
Make it the saltiest
you've ever seen.

Lynn belches
from Spam

Spam,
wonderful
spam

Art thou real
Oh, spam

Spamio,
oh spamio,
wherefore art thou
spamio

Spam is the east
Spam is the sun

Oh, that
I were spam
that I could
touch that
spam

Dang it!
Chuck!
Did we ask you?
butting your spam
into our spam
dreams

dream of spam
Jingle Spam
oh what fun

It is to play
in spam
all day

Robin laid
some spam
squish it round
squish it round

I like spam
You like spam
let's all play
In spam

Double mocha
spam latte
Spam milkshake
Double bacon
spam burger
with cheese

Dangit Jim,
I'm a doctor,
not spam.

These are
the days
of our Spam

Dangit CHUCK!

[Survivor]

[CrinklyArse]

Clad in metal, proud
No mere salt-curing for you
You are not bacon

And who dares mock Spam?
You? you? you are not worthy
Of one rich pink fleck

Silent, former pig
One communal awareness
Myriad pink bricks

Twist, pull the sharp lid
Jerks and cuts me deeply but
Spam, aah, my poultice

Can of metal, slick
Soft center, so cool, moistening
I yearn for your salt

Blue can of steel
What promise do you hold?
Salt flesh so ripe

Grotesque pinkish mass
In a blue can on a shelf
Quivering alone

Like some spongy rock
A granite, my piece of Spam
In sunlight on my plate

Oh Argentina!
Your little tin of meat soars
Above the pampas

The color of Spam
is natural as the sky:
A block of sunrise

Little slab of meat
In a wash of clear jelly
Now I heat the pan

Oh tin of pink meat
I ponder what you may be:
Snout or ear or feet?

In the cool morning
I fry up a slab of Spam
A dog barks next door

Slicing your sweet self
Salivating in suspense
Sizzle, sizzle..Spam

Pink beefy temptress
I can no longer remain
Vegetarian

Cold, Pink, gelatinous mass,
The potted meat for which I crave,
Warns of impending earthquake.

Ears, snouts and innards,
A homogeneous mass.
Pass another slice.

Pink tender morsel,
Glistening with salty gel.
What the hell is it?

Cube of cold pinkness
Yellow specks of porcine fat.
Give me a spork please.

Old man seeks doctor.
"I eat SPAM daily", he says.
Angioplasty.

Delighted!
I am flattered
And overwhelmed to Pink.

Watch the pink slab fry
Its grease can lubricate eggs
Get ketchup ready

Spam on Wonder bread
He's allergic to sulfites
Hives come after lunch

Pressed, the cold slice soothes
Eye, a black-and-blue shiner
Spam, what useful stuff

Highly unnatural,
The tortured shape of this "food".
A small pink coffin.

Parts of pigs o' plenty.
Sumptuous feet and tails,
Rub amber gel through hair.

You don't want to know,
What they put in that tin can
It's scary to think.

Drop a pig in a blender,
Add salt and dye:
The recipe for Spam.

Have you ever lost anything
It's in that one little can,
Of Spam.

In the same manner as we,
lick envelopes to seal them,
cows lick Spam.

Did you ever wonder,
Where rats go when they die?
Spam knows where they go.

[CrinklyArse]

> Dear Dr. Science,
>
> I have a hole in my wooden shoe. How can I repair it?
>
> Leon Loozen, Leemstede, Holland

Although your ancestors got along fine using earwax to repair holes in wooden shoes, most people nowadays use spam. The portion of the can left over after filling in that hole can be fried for breakfast. Unlike earwax, it doesn't take spam weeks to harden, and it emits a pleasant odor when wet. As you've probably noticed, much of Holland is below sea level and those perpetually leaky dikes made waterproof shoes all the more important. Thanks to the internet, I'm getting a lot more questions from abroad and, let me tell you, it's nice to know that Yankee know-how is prized all over the world.

[CrinklyArse]

> Dear Dr. Science,
>
> What exactly is that clear jelly around Spam?
>
> LeMatthew C. Bohne from Milan, OH

When Spam reaches a certain phase of development, it sheds its old skin, and grows a new one. This roughly corresponds to the human phase we call "adolescence." Older Spam sometimes suffers from hair loss and wrinkling. This is not to denigrate the integrity or value of the Spam in question. Many people prefer bald, wrinkled Spam, saying it has character. You should always discard the clear jelly before using Spam, although I've found that if I set it aside and wash it with a sodium hydroxide, it makes a dandy floor polish. I tried it on my car, but the next morning I found every cat in my neighborhood licking it and, before the day was done, I had to get a new paint job. Thanks Earl Schweib!

[CrinklyArse]

SPAM FACTS

In America, it's consumed at the rate of 3.8 cans a second by more than 60 million Americans.
It's trademarked in 92 countries, and sold in 45, from Anguilla to Zimbabwe
If laid end-to-end, 5 billion cans would encircle the earth 12 1/2 times
5 billion cans of SPAM would feed a family of four, three meals a day, for 4,566,210 years
You can grill more than 29 billion Spamburgers with it, and that supply would last 5.4 days if everyone on Earth ate one spamburger for dinner each night
Each year, 100 million pounds (45 million kg) of Spam are sold around the world.
SPAM is made in two U.S. locations - Austin, Minnesota, and Fremont, Nebraska - and seven other countries: England, Australia, Denmark, Phillipines, Japan, Taiwan, and South Korea.
The average consumers of Spam are families with several children, especially in the southeastern U.S.
In 1989, the U.S. armed forces bought 3.3 million pounds of SPAM.
Hawaii, Alaska, Arkansas, Texas, and Alabama rate the highest in spam consumption respectively.
Among the 50 foreign countries where Spam is sold, the UK and South Korea are the largest markets.
In South Korea, SPAM is considered an upscale food and one of the most popular American imports. The Wall Street Journal recently spotted a Seoul executive in search of the perfect gift. The executive deliberately skipped over traditional gift items such as wine and chocolates in favor of SPAM, explaining, "It is an impressive gift."
Hormel PR man Allen Krejci says: "SPAM has endured because of it's convenience and versatility. You can eat it hot or cold. You slice, dice, or cube it. You can eat it for breakfast, lunch, dinner, or snacks. In fact, the only thing that limits your use of SPAM is your imagination."
Nikita Krushchev once credited SPAM with the survival of the WWII Russian army. ''Without SPAM, we wouldn't have been able to feed our army,'' he said.
Senator Robert Byrd of West Viginia eats a sandwich of SPAM and mayonnaise on white bread three times a week.
Number of miles a snowmobile must drive at -30 F to fully brown a can of Spam wired to the engine: 35 (Source: The Iditarod [heard on a Madison, WI radio report for "National Canned Luncheon Meat Day, '96])

[CrinklyArse]

ok now i am gonna stop

[Survivor]

No you're not

[CrinklyArse]

yes... i am

[CrinklyArse]

unless you dont want me to....

[Survivor]

No you're not

[CrinklyArse]

yes... i am

[Survivor]

No you're not

[CrinklyArse]

yes... i am

[Survivor]

No you're not

[CrinklyArse]

yes... i am