I opened the door and a pretty girl with glossy red lipstick was standing with a small bulging envelope .
"Hi" she said, " you'll need to sign this FoRM"
" What is it?" I asked
"It's your delivery of Corsair memory sticks" she said
I said " hmm, I really don't remember ordering any memory. I'm starving, I was kind of hoping it was my delivery of cheese and cream kracus. Anyway, is this some sort of cheap alert?"
" Well no you Foo!" she replied," I'm from the postal service, just because I'm female doesn't mean it's a prank!"
" Ok," I said "no need to get annoyed. Are you driving a van?"
"No, I deliver everywhere on my Scooter. Anyway, please sign here.." she said.
So I signed it. She said " DRiM?"
I said " well it's DRuM actually but I can't spell u"
" ok, it'll be fine" she said.
"don't I know you? " I asked.
" I don't think so" she replied.
" yes, wait, I do know you. You're the slut that gave me...genital mjrpes!"
" No I neve.." she replied, but I interrupted and went into a right old Fury..
" fuck you woman!" I shouted, you're the scourge of my life! I ought to run you down with my juggernaut for giving me that disease! :icon8: But you're lucky, because I'm in the middle of phantasmagoria and it's a wicked game!"
" you're confusing me for the wrong woman!" she cried
"I am? " I said, " hmm, well you might have a case, dogg."
"Turn around" I said to the woman at the door. "Wha?" she exclaimed. "Turn around" I repeated.
"Hmm. Well if it isnt you," I said, "riddla me this then. How come you've still got that ol' crinkly arse? Looks like you got bitten by some toxic bug, hoe!"
" So? " she said " doesn't prove anything"
" Well I'm not 100% but it's my primal theory" I said
" How did you get such a terrible arse anyway? It seems to be missing a few chunks" I said
" She said " I was involved in a plane crash between london and memphis. As the plane went down I went arse over tit to the ground. Mainly arse."
" wow, that's terrible!" I said
" yea" she replied " but I'm a survivor"
" I'm glad you survived" I said.
"Thanks " she said
" So," I said " get yer kit off then, I wouldn't mind seeing you in the raw again.
I'm gonnafistya good 'n proper you slaaaaaaag."
Suddenly, a brisk wind blew into the house, pushing the woman into me.
I said " fuck me, you're keen. Right, get on my shaft"
So she did and it fucking hurt. she had fangs like a jackal.
I said "right then, do you have any rubbers on you?"
She said " no, but I've got a pencil with an eraser on it, is that any good?"
I said " will it stop you getting pregnant?"
She said " no"
I said " ok, good, let's do it"
So we went at it hammer and tongues..
I said " yeaaaa baaby, this is explosive stuff, you're pretty good!"
She said " aww thanks. Well, I'll let you into a secret.
I'm known to some of my friends as 'The Naughty Female' "
I said " Oh reeeeeally?"
She said " yea, but you can just call me T.N.F"
I said " so whats your real name?"
She said " it's Jenny"
I said, " and where did you get that bracelet from because I recognise it"
She said " oh my grandfather bought it for me on my birthday last.."
"..JULY!The 23rd, amirite?" I said
" she looked bewildered and said " ..er. yes, that's correct. Wait a sec..... grandfather?"
" I said Jenny, zOMG, I'm Your Grandpa!
"" oh god", she said "I think it would have been a bitwise to have used a rubber after all.."
to be continued...
