It has been a while since I heard bad joke that relied on accent alone to be tollerable, and this one is almost as groan worthy as they come:
A class in a junior school has a vocabulary exercise after the register on a daily basis: the teacher presents a new word to the class and they try to find ways to use it in a sentance.
"Right class," she says, "Todays word is 'contagious', can anybody give me an example of a sentance containing the word?
A young boy puts his hand up.
"Yes Stuart?"
"I had mumps miss, and they were contagious."
"Very good - anybody else?"
A young girl raises her hand...
"Ashley?"
"There are nits going round school, and my mum says I have to be careful because they are contagious!"
"Thankyou Ashley - can anybody else give me an example?"
A small Irish boy at the front of the class raises his hand.
"Yes Shawn?"
"Well miss, my dad told me yesterday that he saw our neighbour painting his house using a two inch brush. He says it'll take the cunt ages!"
Sighs on a postacard, please.
Contagious!
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SmokeyTreats
- Posts: 146
- Joined: Mon Sep 26, 2005 1:26 pm
Joke Thread!!!
This one reminds me of my wife when she used to drink...
The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls. I promised
my husband that I would be home by midnight.
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
Around 3 a.m. (a bit loaded) I Headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and
cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up,
I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quickwitted
solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible
conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in and I told him
"midnight." He didn't seem mad at all. Whew!! Got away with that one!
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he
said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh
sh*t," cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another
three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the
coffee table and farted."
This one reminds me of my wife when she used to drink...
The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls. I promised
my husband that I would be home by midnight.
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
Around 3 a.m. (a bit loaded) I Headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and
cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up,
I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quickwitted
solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible
conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in and I told him
"midnight." He didn't seem mad at all. Whew!! Got away with that one!
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he
said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh
sh*t," cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another
three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the
coffee table and farted."
[img]http://m0jojoj0.homestead.com/files/avatar/smiley_joint.gif[/img]
A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He
breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a
young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a
chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets
on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the
bathroom.
While he is in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: Listen,
this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He has probably
spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw
how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't
complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much
he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets
angry, he could kill us both. Be strong, honey I love you!"
His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my
ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had
any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong
honey.....I love you, too
breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a
young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a
chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets
on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the
bathroom.
While he is in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: Listen,
this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He has probably
spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw
how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't
complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much
he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets
angry, he could kill us both. Be strong, honey I love you!"
His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my
ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had
any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong
honey.....I love you, too
Mac walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says, "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache." His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's A sheep, you idiot." Mac says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."
------
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs." The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh? The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith." The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes. Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?
------
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs." The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh? The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith." The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes. Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?